Freshman Breaks MVNC Cohabitation Laws
Student, goldfish looking at possible expulsion
Mr. Lemonhead, news editor

Mount Vernon, Ohio-With an increasing amount of stupidity and ignorance plaguing the student community in recent years, MVNC administrators have taken it upon themselves to keep students in line, by all means necessary. Though some policies are often questioned, they have been nothing short of effective; that is, until last week.

In an act of obvious rebellion, one student has been found guilty of violating the most serious of MVNC's laws: cohabitation. According to sources, "the conspirator (freshman Tom Biel) knowingly housed a female goldfish in a dorm room meant only for the housing of males."

Oakwood hall resident director Brian Boyd, who received an anonymous tip-off from a local nark, apprehended the goldfish during room checks last week. When asked about his views of the situation, Boyd expressed extreme disappointment in both Biel and the goldfish, all while trying desperately to hold back tears of anguish.

Biel, who is scheduled to meet with both the Oakwood Judicial Council (OJC) and Peggy Oldham on Monday, may be facing one semester of social probation with the possibility of expulsion. In addition, Biel will lose his late passes, have an earlier curfew, and receive a fine for no apparent reason. Two of Biel's closest friends were also given fines, based on their knowledge of the conspiracy.

The goldfish, who is being held in custody in Pioneer Hall, has refused to answer questions related to the incident on several occasions. As a means of avoiding future problems of a similar nature, the school board has recently ruled to install cameras in every residential room on campus, effective immediately.