Security to Replace Blazer for 2002-2003 school year
Mercedes ML55, an option for first MVNU Security vehicle

Comrade Vash the Stampede, staff writer

Mount Vernon, Ohio-A memo from the security office to the Lakeholm building today revealed the need for the purchase of a brand new security vehicle, as the Blazer is nearing 3,000 miles. A meeting was already held and the vote was unanimous to take the existing security blazer to a scrapyard and buy a new one. The current Blazer, which has been in use for the entire 2001-2002 school year, comes equipped with driver and passenger's side airbags, cd player, air conditioning, full GPS navigational system (why, we have no idea), as well as 2 drop down television screens hooked up to both a Playstation 2 and an Xbox to 'give the guys something to do after a long day of needless ticketing.' according to the Chief of MVNC security.

With the signatures of the administration, security was granted all the funds it needs to upgrade their now clearly out-of-date vehicle. The regular wear and tear of driving back and forth through campus, as well as occasional trips down Martinsburg Rd. are beginning to show. One security guard explained, "well the new car scent is gone, and we miss that. Also one of my buddies spilled some coffee after getting excited about beating me at NBA Live 2002, and that made the passenger seat kind of sticky." These problems, along with several testimonies from security guards who explained to the board why the Blazer is inadequate for transporting them across campus, easily swayed the board into raising tuition for a better vehicle.

"Usually," explained the MVNC officer "we try to get a new one about this time every year, except for that one time." he said, looking at the ground. The incident he is referring to happened back in 1982, when 1,200 miles into the life of the Blazer at the time, the left blinker went out and the entire vehicle had to be replaced. "That was a real shock, but it was unacceptable because how were we supposed to turn from the main road to get to the Lakeholm building on Martinsburg Rd.?? We just couldn't, so we had to scrap it and start over. I've got to go now," he said, a tear welling up in his eye.

Voting to determine the make and model of the new security vehicle has yet to occur, but several of the possibilities include an Acura SLX priced at 40,000 dollars, as well as the less pricey Acura MDX, coming in at a mere 38,970 dollars, and the pick that security themselves are leaning towards, the Mercedes ML55, valued at a mere 66,545 dollars. "The way we see it," said the security chief, "if we get the better one, that'll average at around 7,000 parking tickets, and we don't think that will be a problem." Administration doesn't think so either, said an official "They've already made it clear to us that if that's the one we choose, they won't stop ticketing until it's paid for, and we trust them to work hard and reach their goals."

Click here to see a history of the MVNC security vehicle