Student attempts suicide for second time this school year
Freshman girl detained, awaiting fine and possible expulsion

Comrade Vash the Stampede, staff writer

Mount Vernon, Ohio-In a tragic scene Monday morning, MVNC freshman Kelly Urizen was wheeled out of Galloway on a stretcher, barely breathing, after trying to kill herself for the second time by swallowing dangerous amounts of sleeping pills. Administration was visibly shaken, and astonished that Kelly would try something so terrible again after a failed attempt last semester. "I figured that fine we gave her the first time sent the message through that suicide is against naz policy," stated one disappointed administrator, referring to the first attempt by Urizen in which she tried to cut her wrists with a butter knife smuggled out of the cafeteria.

"An RA council was convened, and we decided that a hefty fine, as well as having her sign a document saying she would never try to kill herself again while enrolled here at the naz was the best thing for her. We also made her sweep floors in the cafeteria for a month to apologize for taking the knife, as well as for inconveniencing the RA's." Some administrators thought that the fine and floor sweeping would convince Kelly that God loved her and wanted her to live on despite the pressures of being a freshman. Urizen's family was notified and quickly made arrangements to fly in from their home in Utah to be with their daughter. Said Kelly's RA "I know what it's like to live a long way away from your family... well ok actually I don't."

Urizen's problems began when she got in trouble for cohabitation early in the fall, her boyfriend at the time left her and she became banned from all male residence areas on campus. This, combined with not making it home for Thanksgiving because of having to make up counseling sessions, mounted the pressures the young freshman was having, culminating the week before Christmas break when Urizen snuck a butterknife out of the cafeteria by putting it in her pocket. She was found later that night with "some bad scratches" on her wrists by a friend, her wrists clearly the result of nearly 4 hours of attempting to break the skin.

This latest attempt is nothing short of shocking with both its much closer accuracy and her sheer defiance of the document she signed stating she would outright not attempt suicide again. Despite this, administration is sticking to their code of conduct, which calls for another fine and social probation with mandatory counseling. "We need to let her know that we mean business, we love her like our own daughter, that's why this is hurting us so much... I even let what's-her-face have her boyfriend stay 3 minutes after curfew once in the fall." Stated a determined RA, "and what do I get for it? She tries to kill herself again. The ingrate!"

Urizen's family declined to comment, but it is suspected that they might not let Kelly continue at the naz. "I think she's about had enough," said Albert Urizen, Kelly's father "I think we're going to take her home and find out why her counseling sessions didn't help her." The counseling sessions, which were mandatory for her after J-term, consisted of Bud Harbin yelling at Urizen for not getting straight A's as a motivational effort. Said Harbin "I've been using my methods for 67 years and nobody's killed me. Well," he added with a smile, "succeeded anyway."