New ID Policy to be Implemented In 2002-03 School Year

"Change reflects true nature of school," say administrators

Comrade Rebel Clone, staff writer

Mt. Vernon, Ohio-In a recent discussion with campus officials, changes have been discovered in the ID system to be used upon the acquisition of university status. The new policy will call for all students to have a small microchip embedded beneath the skin to act as a replacement for the existing identification cards. In accordance with religious texts, the plan calls for these chips to be implanted in either the right hand or the forehead, and their location marked by a small, as of yet undetermined, three-digit number.

According to the aforementioned source, the hope for this new course of action is to eliminate lost and stolen ID cards, implement quicker, easier scanning, and allow the institution to monitor each and every activity that a student could possibly partake in. Whether it be going to the bathroom or taking a leisurely stroll with a loved-one, students will be able to rest easy in the knowledge that the MVNU big brother is watching. Such amazing feats are possible through the small GPS unit that comes equipped in each chip. The signals emitted by these units will be constantly monitored by a crack team of fifty computer engineers equipped with a flock of FOCA high-orbit satellites.


Concept model of new identification unit

Said one member of the committee overseeing the change, "This will allow us to control students in ways never before possible. By monitoring every activity the students do, we can instantly recognize when one may be exhibiting symptoms of 'free will' and take steps to remedy the situation. It will also eliminate the possibility of breaking any of the innumerable rules which are currently being used to turn the student body into cattle."

The aptly named "Project Uberwatch" is scheduled to begin shortly after the August return of students to their dismal existence as mindless drones. In addition to the usual barrage of pointless opening week tedium, all students will be required to attended a mandatory meeting entitled "The Church's View Against Privacy and Free Thought," in order to coerce the masses into an unthinking acceptance of their new hardware (refreshments to be provided). Tentative dates for implantation have been set for the opening week of classes.